


My Everything

by Crazygremlin



Series: It's a long road to happiness [1]
Category: Blindspot (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-12-02 11:05:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11508114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crazygremlin/pseuds/Crazygremlin
Summary: Reade is struggling with the feelings he has for Tasha when everything starts to go wrong. Will they be able to get over what happened or is their friendship forever ruined?





	1. The Dream

Edgar Reade woke up from his dream, once again, a little shaken up. He glanced at his alarm clock and realized his alarm would go off in 30 minutes. Normally he would have tried to sleep as long as possible but not this morning. He was too confused by his dream to sleep. He got up and went to the bathroom to wash his face. He looked at himself in the mirror and saw large, dark circles under his eyes. Then he remembered his dream again and he saw himself blushing at the thought of it.

 

This wasn’t the first time he had had this dream. The dream itself was simple but the feelings it caused were a lot more complicated. His dream was about Tasha Zapata, his coworker, partner and best friend. In the dream he was in a holding cell at the FBI New York Office. Tasha was on the other side of the glass whispering to him. She kept saying his name and told him that she loved him but that he’d have to choose her to get her. Every time he tried to open his mouth to tell her how much he loved her, the rest of the team appeared behind Tasha and they all laughed at him.

 

Reade let out a groan and buried his face into his hands. He couldn’t keep going on like this. He kept telling himself that Tasha was just a friend to him but every night his dreams told him otherwise. He felt confused and didn’t know what to do. He had spent so long trying to deny his feelings he felt like he was drowning. He let out a deep sigh and found his way to the kitchen where he made himself a cup of strong coffee. He’d have to get ready to leave soon if he wanted to make it to the gym before work.

 

***

 

When Reade got to the gym, it was completely empty. Good, he thought. He’d have the whole gym for himself this morning so he’d have time to sort out his thoughts before facing Tasha again. He put on gloves and focused on hitting and kicking the punching bag. It felt good to let all the frustration out, all alone, just him and the punching bag…

 

“You’re here early.”

 

Her voice made his insides turn upside down. It was so beautiful and so unique. He gathered his thoughts and silently cursed at his stupid reaction. He hadn’t had time to prepare himself for this. He closed his eyes briefly and turned around forcing a smile on his face. He saw Tasha moving closer and pulling on her gloves while doing so. She was so beautiful. The slight rosy tone on her face told him she had already got started with her exercise routine.  He had to swallow a sigh of admiration and pull himself back to reality: Tasha was his best friend and a coworker and his thoughts about her made him feel guilty.

 

“Just blowing off some steam” Reade answered seemingly carelessly. “What are you doing here?”

 

“I just came from a run and I thought I’d teach the punching bag a lesson. But since you are here you could play the part of a punching bag” Tasha said with a devilish grin on her face.

 

“Be careful what you ask for” he replied mirroring Tasha’s grin.

 

They put their fists up in a defense position and started sparring. They had fun and they both managed to land some nice but gentle punches. Although Reade was laughing with her and he was having a good time, he couldn’t completely push his dream out of his mind. He was trying to act normal but he couldn’t help but admire Tasha’s figure. She was wearing black, calf-length running tights and a tight white top. Her outfit displayed her strong, beautiful body, showing off the muscles she had worked hard for. Her real beauty, though, went much deeper than that and her inner beauty was the reason Reade really loved her. Sure, she could be a little blunt and hard sometimes but he knew that the real, kind and caring Tasha was hiding behind the hard surface. She was also intelligent and funny and that was, in his experience, a very rare combination.

 

Despite the thoughts he was unable control, everything was going fine until he caught a glimpse of her glutes. He wasn’t superficial but after all he was a man and he couldn’t help but get distracted by their perfect, round shape and before he realized it, he was on the ground where Tasha had thrown him. What he did next was a reflex: he swept her off her feet with his legs causing her to fall down on top of him. He was just as surprised by this move as Tasha and for a while they were lying on the floor, trying to catch their breath. Then she started laughing and laid her forehead on his chest, still laughing.

 

He couldn’t move. Not because she was too heavy on top of him, but because he was shocked by what had happened and what was happening in his head at the moment. He could feel Tasha’s body shaking with laughter. He could feel excitement that, he realized, was very inappropriate in that situation and he could only hope Tasha wouldn’t notice anything. As he struggled to get hold of himself, Tasha got up and held out her and for him.

 

“Somebody’s taking this way too seriously” she said with a wide grin and Reade could see the wrinkles she always got around her sparkling eyes when she was laughing. He had to force himself to focus on the hand she was holding out for him.

 

***

 

Tasha let the warm water wash away the sweat while she stood in the shower in women’s dressing room, lost deep in her own thoughts. She was thinking about her sparring session with Reade. She had a feeling there was something weird going on with him. Actually, she had felt it for a while now. He had been a little distant lately and she just couldn’t figure out why and that bothered her.

 

She got out of the shower and got dressed and headed to Patterson’s lab where the rest of the team, including Reade, was already waiting for her.

 

“Sorry, I’m late” she said as she entered the room.

 

“It’s okay, we were just about to begin” Weller said waving off her apology.

 

Tasha took her place next to Reade and glanced at him but his eyes were fixed on the screen that showed a new tattoo Patterson had just solved. The tattoo was the shape of the Ghost gang tattoo. Patterson had found it after noticing that some letters on a text that was located on Jane’s abdomen were one shade darker than the others. The human eye couldn’t see the difference but Patterson’s computers were able to detect it. Also, the letters that formed the gang logo spelled out the name of a man who was suspected to be running a huge, Colombian-based drug cartel.

 

“What does Francisco Sanchez have to do with the Ghost gang?” Tasha asked and frowned in confusion.

 

“That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out all night… And no, don’t look at me like that!” Patterson said after noticing the looks her coworkers gave her. “I couldn’t just go home and… not solve this.” she said irritated, trying to cover up a yawn.

 

“Fine, but once you’ve briefed us, you’ll take a nap” Weller said strictly and when he noticed the blonde was about to protest, he added “The other option is that you go home. Your call.”

 

Patterson closed her mouth apparently deciding it was better not to argue with her boss. Tasha and Reade exchanged looks and grinned. With one look they knew exactly what the other one was thinking and both of them found the conversation equally amusing. Tasha was happy Reade was still Reade and for a moment she thought that maybe she had imagined the whole thing. Then again, she still couldn’t shake the weird feeling she had.

 

She was pulled back from her thoughts by Patterson, who continued her presentation:

 

“Anyway, as I was saying I spent the whole night searching for a link between these two seemingly unrelated parties and I couldn’t find anything solid. What I did find out, however, is that the gang members received several payments from a bank account in Switzerland. When I started digging deeper I realized that the payments were always received right after a member of some other drug cartel was found murdered. Considering the circumstances I don’t think it’s a coincidence. I believe that the Ghost gang is doing clean-ups for Sanchez’s cartel.”

 

“But we have no way to prove it?” Jane asked crossing her arms over her chest.

 

“Nope. Just like we have no way to prove that Francisco Sanchez has anything to do with the cartel. Or that the cartel is even connected to the killings” Patterson answered, slightly frustrated.

 

“So how are we supposed build a case when we don’t know anything about what’s really going on?” asked Reade. Zapata was the first to answer his question:

 

“We need to go undercover.”

 


	2. The Plan

“We need to go undercover. We need to infiltrate the cartel and gather enough evidence to bring them all in and bring down the cartel” Zapata repeated.

 

“I agree. But infiltrating the cartel might not be enough to bring down both, the cartel and the gang. We need to get someone inside both parties” Weller agreed. “I think Zapata should take the cartel; her Spanish skills might come in handy. And as for the gang, I was thinking we should send in Jane. They might have a little less reservations if we send in women. You two up for it?”

 

Zapata and Jane nodded but Reade frowned. He didn’t like this idea at all. This mission was dangerous and he didn’t like the idea of Tasha going up against a cartel on her own. Though he knew both women were more that capable of taking care of themselves, messing with cartels is always dangerous and he couldn’t live with himself if something bad happened to Tasha.

 

“I think we should pair up. Zapata and I should take the cartel and you and Jane should take the gang. Going alone is too dangerous.” Reade suggested, causing Zapata to rise her perfectly sculpted brows, slightly surprised by his worry.

 

“Showing up in pairs would raise more suspicions and the risk of things going sideways would be a lot bigger than it already is. Besides, we need people to survey the operation” Weller stated. “Patterson; what do we know about Francisco Sanchez?”

 

Patterson turned her attention to her computer and studied the content on its screen before answering.

 

“He was born in Cartagena, Colombia in 1980 and he owns residences in three different locations: in Cartagena, in Mexico City and here in New York. He also has a huge yacht, probably for smuggling drugs, though he has never been caught. He has no family but he seems to have dated quite a…. selection of women.” Her facial expression revealed her strong disapproval. “That’s pretty much all we know about him.”

 

“Well that’s not much to go with.” Reade narrowed his eyes.

 

“But that is very convenient for us because I happen to be a woman” Tasha said. She felt obligated to say it aloud because she knew that it was the best card they had to play but she also knew that nobody else wanted to suggest it. She wasn’t happy about it but she was a trained agent and she would do anything for her job; it was bigger than any one of them.

 

“Are you sure you’re okay with it? We could figure out another way to get you in.” Weller said worriedly.

 

“You know it as well as I do that that is the safest and the easiest way to get in. Or does someone else have a better idea?” Tasha questioned and looked around the team. Each of them seemed to have chosen their favorite spot on the floor to look at which made Tasha smirk, partially annoyed. She took a step back to lean on Patterson’s desk and crossed her arms over her chest.

 

“Alright then. But we still need to figure out the best moment and way to send her in. She can’t just go knock on Sanchez’s front door.” said Weller.

 

“I think I might know a way” Patterson replied and started to type something on her keyboard. Soon her computer screen displayed a web page that had a picture of a handsome, tanned man, whose smile showed off a perfect row of white teeth, sitting on the deck of a huge yacht. They all recognized Francisco Sanchez. The reason Patterson wanted them to see it was the ad right next to the picture. It was an invitation to a party he was throwing on his yacht. The web page, as Patterson explained, could only be seen by those who knew where to look, so _technically_ it was a private event but getting in wouldn’t be a problem since the invitation was _technically_ open.

 

“This might be our best shot. We send Tasha there as a guest and once she’s in, she needs to get Sanchez’s attention.” Weller ordered. “The party is in two days so we need to get started with the preparations. Patterson, you and Jane should start brainstorming ways to get Jane undercover. But not before you’ve taken your nap.” he continued, looking strictly at Patterson.

 

***

 

Two days later everything was ready. Reade and Weller would be in a surveillance van close to the wharf where Sanchez’s yacht was docked. Jane wouldn’t go on her mission quite yet, so they would both be backing up Tasha tonight. Tasha would be wearing a necklace with a tracker and a built-in microphone so they could hear everything that was going on. It also had a switch as a precaution in case she got swept for bugs. Patterson had also managed to hack the surveillance cameras inside the yacht so they would also be able to see everything.

 

It was nearly time to go and Tasha was getting ready in the locker room. She usually didn’t bother putting too much effort into her hair and make-up so she got slightly frustrated when, despite all the tutorials she had watched, she wasn’t able to do her hair the way she had planned to. She ended up curling her hair a little and putting it on a half updo. For make-up she was wearing neutral eyeshadow shades with eyeliner. She was just finishing her look with red lipstick when the locker room door opened and Reade stepped in.

 

The sight in front of him made him freeze in the doorway. Tasha was wearing a short, white, long-sleeved lace dress. The back was cut so low he could see pretty much her whole back. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her. Never before in his life had he seen anything so breathtakingly beautiful. Suddenly he noticed Tasha was looking at him through the mirror and he realized he had stopped breathing. He blushed and cursed at his own awkwardness.

 

“I… I was just… Ahem… I was just checking if you’re ready” he mumbled, still unable to look away. “You look… good” he added, knowing that the word ‘good’ was a serious understatement.

 

He was surprised to see her look away trying to hide her blushed cheeks.

 

“Um… Thanks” she mumbled, still not looking at him. “I feel stupid in this dress.”

 

“That’s not exactly the word I would use” Reade grinned. He was finally starting to regain control over his thoughts.

 

“Would you mind helping me with the necklace? I can’t get the damn thing on myself” Tasha said slightly irritated.

 

“Sure.”

 

Reade walked over to where Tasha was standing and took the piece on jewelry she was holding out. She pulled her dark hair aside and he could smell a flowery scent coming from her. It wasn’t a perfume, it was just her and it was his favorite scent in the whole world. He slowly put the necklace around her neck and took his time to do it, pretending he had trouble closing the lock. In reality, though, he just wanted to feel the warmth and softness of her skin and let his fingers linger on her neck as long as possible.

 

“There you go” he said and grudgingly pulled away when he was done.

 

“Thanks” she said and smiled. Reade’s heart sank at this point and he had to turn away.

 

Tasha put on her high heels and stated that she was ready. They walked out of the locker room to join the others.


	3. The Party

Reade stepped into the surveillance van and sat on a chair next to Weller. He watched the surveillance camera feed and saw Tasha stepping on board Sanchez’s huge and luxurious yacht. She looked elegant in her figure-hugging dress and he sighed: he would do anything to be there with her and make sure no man, especially a criminal like Francisco Sanchez, would ever lay their hands on her. Suddenly he felt a twinge of jealousy when he thought about the fact that she was dressed like this precisely for that to happen. If that guy has any sort of eye for beauty, tonight is for sure gonna be a success, he thought bitterly.

 

They didn’t speak while they watched Tasha get a drink from the bar to help her blend in. They saw Sanchez on the upper floor of the yacht but they had no way of telling her that, since they had decided it’s safer if she won’t wear comms. All they could do is watch her while she made her way through the crowd searching for Sanchez and listen the chatter around her through the microphone she was wearing.

 

Suddenly he realized Weller was studying him watching Tasha’s movements.  Reade glanced at him, but he didn’t look away.

 

“She’s gonna be fine, you know” Weller said, still studying his reactions.

 

“I know” Reade answered, turning his attention back on the screen, which now showed Tasha climbing her way upstairs. He wasn’t sure how much Weller could see but if he saw something, he clearly decided to keep his mouth shut because he fixed his eyes back on the screen too. Not that he was really in a position to lecture him about being professional since he wasn’t exactly the best at hiding his feelings for Jane either.

 

By now, Tasha had reached the upper floor and spotted her target. Sanchez was casually talking with a group of guests close to a small bar. Tasha clearly came up with some sort of plan because her face went from slightly puzzled to determined and she started to walk towards the group of people.

 

“What the hell is she doing?” Weller asked frowning, as it looked like she was about to march straight to Sanchez.

 

Instead, she walked right past them, just a few inches from Sanchez. Her hips swung from side to side more than usual as she moved as gracefully as a dancer past the group making her way towards the railing that was surrounding a large open space on the sundeck. Reade noticed that lots of people stopped to stare at her as she walked past them and their eyes lingered on her longer than it was normal. It made him sick of jealousy. He had to remind himself about the purpose of this mission again. He knew that she was just doing her job and she was doing it damn well. She had made sure to pass Sanchez’s group so that he couldn’t miss her. She had clearly made an impression because he was still throwing glances at her direction. She was now leaning on the railing, her back towards the sundeck sipping her drink. She was careful not to look at Sanchez’s direction, waiting for him to come to her.

 

She didn’t have to wait too long. Soon they saw him say something to the rest of the group, nodding his head and starting to walk towards Tasha. He got to the railing and leaned to it right next to Tasha. She briefly and calmly glanced at him at then turned away again.

 

“Hello there” he said while looking at Tasha with a half-smile. “Are you enjoying the party?”          

 

He had a strong Spanish accent which, Reade thought, was probably part of the appeal. Tasha took a sip from her drink.

 

“I can’t complain” she answered simply. “You have a beautiful boat.”

 

“Thank you. Do you know lot about boats?” he asked making a casual conversation.

 

“Not really. To be honest, I prefer having my feet on solid ground” Tasha answered, still not really looking at her host.

 

“I like boats. I’ve sailed with this beauty all the way here from Colombia. My favorite part of the trip? The Caribbean. Definitely.” he said trying to impress her. “Have you ever been to the Caribbean?”

 

“Nope.” After Tasha’s answer there was a moment of silence. Then Sanchez spoke again:

 

“I’ve never seen you here before and trust me, I would remember you. You seem to know who I am but I don’t know anything about you. I would very much like to know your name.”

 

Now Tasha finally looked at him. She studied him for a moment before answering.

 

“Isidora González” she introduced herself. It was an alias they had created for her. In fact, Patterson had created a whole life story for her, in case he decided to run a background check on her. She even had a phone and an apartment registered to her alias.

 

They shook hands but when they were done, he didn’t let go.

 

“Con quién estas acá?” [“With whom are you here?”] he asked in Spanish.

 

“Vine sola” [“I came alone”] she answered. The answer seemed to both please and surprise him and Reade wished he could understand what they had just said.

 

“Cómo es possible que una señorita tan linda como tú anda solita?” [“How is it possible that a lady as beautiful as you is all alone?”] Sanchez asked. Tasha didn’t blush at his words.

 

“I’ve heard a lot about you. They say you are an interesting man so I wanted to see just how interesting you actually are.” she changed the language back to English, probably very aware of the fact that Reade and Weller didn’t understand Spanish. 

 

“Well here I am. So what is your conclusion?” he asked spreading his arms. Tasha studied him again before answering:

 

“I haven’t quite decided yet.”

 

“Well in that case you need some more time to decide. How about I take you on a private cruise on my yacht? You might actually learn to like boats” he grinned and his white teeth seemed to glow in the dim light that came from the stylish light bulbs lighting the sundeck. Again, she took a moment before answering, to keep him waiting a little longer, and agreed to go.

 

Weller raised his hands up as a sign of victory and Reade tried to force a smile on his face but failed miserably. He just couldn’t celebrate the fact that Tasha had a date with another man. Even if she was just doing her job. Reade was a little surprised by his strong feelings of jealously and he hated it but he couldn’t help it.

 

On the screen Tasha had just turned her back to Sanchez and was about to leave when he grabbed her hand and gently turned her back around to face him.

 

“Are you going already, _cariño_ [sweetie]?” he asked looking disappointed.

 

“It’s late” she answered shortly.

 

“Can I have your number? It’s kinda hard to give you details about the cruise if I have no way to contact you” he said flirtatiously.

 

Tasha flashed her wonderful smile and said: “Look into your pocket.” Then she turned around and walked away. They saw Sanchez tucking his hand into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper and they assumed it had “Isidora’s” number written on it, though they couldn’t actually see it. They had no idea when she had slipped it into his pocket and apparently neither did he but it seemed to have made an impression on him. He looked up to watch Tasha as she moved, gracefully, through the crowd without looking back and watched her disappear out of his sight.


	4. Undercover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point I feel the need to apologize for any grammar mistakes I might have made. Though I speak English fluently, it's still not my native language but I do my best and I hope it's enough! :)

Two days later Tasha got a call form Sanchez. Patterson had been tampering with her phone so that if someone was tracking the call, it would look like she was at home (they had decided to make one of the FBI safe houses her “home”) and not at the FBI NYO because that would be more than a little suspicious. Sanchez told her he would pick her up at her apartment next Saturday to go on a short day-cruise. That meant they had five days to come up with a plan of action. Jane was already on her mission too, so this time Tasha would only have Reade to back her up since Weller would be watching over Jane.

 

The day of the cruise arrived and Tasha was at Isidora’s apartment waiting for Sanchez to pick her up. She was wearing her microphone-tracker necklace again so that Reade could follow their conversations. He felt really conflicted about being the one to survey her operation. Though he really wanted to be there to make sure she was okay and everything was going as planned, watching the video feed from the yacht was painful for him. He watched as they ate fancy food, relaxed in the Jacuzzi located on the sundeck (needless to say, seeing Tasha in her bikinis took his breath away) and the worst part was watching Sanchez’s hand fall lower and lower on her back as they watched dolphins race with the yacht.

 

After this they had several dates, more and more frequently. When they moved from greeting each other with a kiss on the cheek to actually kissing and sometimes even making out, Reade always had to look away.

 

***

 

They didn’t see Tasha too much during the next few weeks. It would have been too risky for her to live her normal life in between their dates because it was more than likely that she was being followed. They got her a job as a waitress in a café near her undercover apartment so that it would seem as if she was living her normal, everyday life. She couldn’t openly call her team in case the cartel was listening so whenever they needed to contact her, she had to be in a room Patterson had secured for her: nobody outside the room could hear anything that was going on inside the room and the only connection that got out was a video feed to Patterson’s lab.

 

Tasha was sick of spending all her time alone. She wasn’t able to contact any of the few friends she had and the worst part was that she couldn’t go to work. She felt like she was going crazy living this life that wasn’t hers and pretending to love someone she hated with her whole heart. Her daily runs were the only thing keeping her relatively sane during her time alone. She missed the office and she missed seeing her team: they were her family. And most of all, she missed Reade. He was her best friend and she felt like she needed him in order to keep her head straight. Actually she was surprised by how much she missed him. Some nights she found herself thinking about him and wondering what he was up to. She was desperate to know if he missed her like she missed him.

 

***

 

After a few weeks they still hadn’t found out anything that was crucial for their investigation. Then finally one day Sanchez called Tasha and said he would be picking her up in 30 minutes. He wouldn’t tell where they were going. They quickly arranged surveillance, this time it was both Reade and Weller because Jane wouldn’t be going anywhere that day. They didn’t have eyes inside the car and they didn’t know where they were headed so all they had were the microphone and tracker in Tasha’s necklace. They followed Sanchez’s car with the surveillance van but stayed far enough not to be seen.

 

They heard Tasha flirtatiously trying to figure out where they were going but he still wouldn’t tell her. Finally, after a nearly hour-long drive, they saw the car pulling over close to the shoreline and the satellite picture showed them there was a small, private harbor right where the car was parked. Weller told the agent driving the van to pull over and hide the van in the bushes and stand by while they snuck closer to see what was happening. They had a camera with them in case they saw something they could use as evidence against Sanchez.

 

When they got to the harbor they hid in some bushes near the pier. They saw Tasha and Sanchez walking towards a small ship docked close to where they were hiding.

 

“What is this? Where are we?” Tasha asked with a puzzled look on her face.

 

“This, _mi cariño_ , is where the business happens. This is where my merchandise arrives” Sanchez answered.

 

“Merchandise? What is it that you’re selling?” Tasha asked, seemingly confused.

 

“Oh, I think you know” he said flashing a smile. It wasn’t a friendly smile and suddenly he looked like a devil.

 

“Excuse me?” Tasha questioned managing to maintain her confused face.

 

“Isn’t that why you are here, miss FBI?”

 

Tasha’s eyes widened as she tried to save the situation that suddenly had taken a dangerous turn.

 

“What? FBI? No, you’re mistaken. I’m not a cop!”

 

“Is that so? Then you probably don’t mind if I take this” he said and ripped her necklace off of her. He held the necklace in front of his mouth and said “I hope you’re enjoying our little podcast.” The tone of his voice was soft as silk but something about it sent chills down Reade’s spine. Then he threw the necklace in the water and their comms went silent.

 

“Now that we’re alone I should probably tell you that this _was_ where the business happened. By the time your FBI friends get here, this place will be empty. And you, _mi cariño_ , will never be found.”

 

Then everything happened faster than anyone could comprehend. They heard a loud shot and the next thing they saw was Tasha lying on the ground in a pool of her own blood. Reade and Weller realized the shot came from the ship and they saw a shooter standing on the deck. Without further considering it Reade got up and aimed at the shooter with his gun and pulled the trigger. He was surprised to hear two shots and noticed that Weller was standing next to him, gun pointed at the shooter who was now down.

 

Reade didn’t stop to think about any dangers or any possible shooters that might still be hiding somewhere. He ran towards Tasha and Sanchez with his gun pointed at the man standing confused by the pool of Tasha’s blood. He heard a shot and a splash and he assumed Weller had taken down another shooter but didn’t turn to look. He ran to Sanchez and took him down and pressed him roughly against the ground and cuffed his hands behind his back, making sure he was causing as much pain as possible. He left him lying there in pain and turned to Tasha. She was unconscious. He saw that the bullet had hit her side about at the height of her waist. The feeling that realization caused wasn’t exactly relief but he knew that it was probably the best place to be hit around that area because there were no major organs there so it gave him hope. He pressed hard on her would trying to stop the bleeding.

 

Everything was blurry and all he could see was Tasha covered in blood. Her hair and clothes were soaked with blood and he felt helpless and desperate looking at her lying there. He could hear Weller running closer and demanding help for Tasha through the comms but it all seemed to be happening somewhere far away, in another world. In this world, there were only him and Tasha. With tears running down his face he leaned closer and whispered to her ear:

 

“Don’t leave me, Tasha. I can’t live without you. I _love_ you.”


	5. Can't Live Without Her

After what felt like forever the helicopter came and rushed Tasha to the hospital. Reade watched it fly away carrying the most precious thing in the whole world. He heard Weller talking to him and felt his hand on his shoulder but he couldn’t figure out what he was saying. He felt numb as if he was walking through a dream… or more like a nightmare. He stared blankly into nothingness as Weller sped back towards the city.

 

When they got to the hospital they found Patterson and Jane sitting in the waiting room. Patterson’s eyes were red from crying. Jane was able to hold back the tears but the look on her face told them she was feeling just as awful as the blonde next to her. They learned that Tasha was in surgery and there were no news yet. They sat down to wait in silence. Reade looked at himself and realized his hands and clothes were still covered in Tasha’s blood. He got up and went to the bathroom to wash the blood away from his hands. He looked in the mirror saw himself starting to tremble. He dropped down on the floor and let tears run silently down his cheeks. He had never felt pain like this. It was so excruciating he couldn’t breathe. He wanted to scream but no sound came out of his mouth. He had known he was in love with her before but he hadn’t truly understood just how deeply he loved her. Now it was very clear to him.

 

He sat on the bathroom floor for a while before he was able to get himself together enough to get up. He washed his face but it didn’t really help. He took a deep breath trying to calm himself down a little and stepped out of the toilet to join his team in the waiting room. They all looked at him when he arrived but he didn’t care. The only thing that mattered to him was Tasha and he looked at his team, silently asking if there were any news. They shook their heads and he sat back down next to Patterson. They sat in silence until Patterson’s phone rang: they needed her at the office to process the evidence against the cartel and the gang. She didn’t want to leave but when Jane offered to go with her, she reluctantly got up. Before leaving, they demanded that Weller and Reade would keep them updated. Weller promised to do that and then they were gone.

 

They sat there very still for a long time. Reade stared at the clock on the wall and it seemed to him that the hands were mocking him by moving as slowly as they possibly could. Finally, after two hours a doctor entered the room. They stood up and held their breath. The doctor walked over to them and talked to them with a calm and tired voice.

 

“The surgery went well. She was lucky the bullet didn’t hit any major organs. Though, it did damage her large intestine, but we were able to fix it. There were no big complications during the surgery and she should make a full recovery” the doctor said with a hint of a smile on his face.

 

Reade’s heard sank. He was so relieved he could have danced. Instead he just sank back to his uncomfortable chair because he was not sure his legs could support him.

 

“When can we see her?” he asked. He hadn’t said a word since he had whispered into Tasha’s ear back in the harbor and his voice was hoarse and barely louder than a whisper. It didn’t sound like him.

 

“She’s in recovery now and she won’t be awake in a long time. If you want to, you can see her now but I suggest you do it quickly, go home and get some rest and come back tomorrow” the doctor said patiently.

 

“You go, I’ll let Jane and Patterson know she’s gonna be fine” Weller said to Reade who then nodded and followed the doctor to a long corridor that led to Tasha’s room.

 

As he entered the room he saw her laying on a bed, attached to several machines. He must have had a horrified look on his face as he watched the tube that went down her throat allowing the machine breathe for her, because the doctor said reassuringly:

 

“We’ll take that out as soon as she wakes up.” Then he left.

 

Reade walked over to Tasha and helplessly looked at her lying on the hospital bed. He pulled a chair next to her and sat there beside her. He took her small hand into his and squeezed it gently.

 

“I’m so sorry, Tasha. I’m so sorry. I should have protected you. I’m sorry I failed you.”

 

He sat there until Weller came in and practically dragged him out of the hospital.

 

“You need to go home, take a shower, get changed and get some rest” he said as they got into the car.

 

Weller studied him as they were driving towards Reade’s apartment.

 

“You really care about her” he stated. It was not a question. 

 

“She’s my partner and my best friend. I can’t stand the thought of losing her” Reade finally replied, though it was clear that that was not what Weller meant.

 

When Reade got home he took a long shower. He let the water wash away the rest of the blood as he stood there leaning his forehead against the wall. It was nearly midnight when he stumbled into his bedroom, feeling exhausted and quickly fell into a restless sleep.

 

***

 

Next morning he woke up half past five. He was still tired and he felt like he had aged at least ten years during the past 24 hours. He quickly pulled on the first clothes he could find and made himself a cup of coffee to take with him.  Then he rushed to his car and sped towards the hospital.

 

He walked straight to Tasha’s room. He was anxious to see her and he wanted to be there when she woke up. She looked exactly the same she did after coming from the surgery. He sat down on the same chair he had sat on the night before and took her hand again. He rubbed the back of her hand gently and when he felt the warmth of her skin he smiled. For the first time since he saw her fall down after being shot, he felt really hopeful, even happy. Tasha was alive and she was going to make a full recovery.

 

There was also another matter, another weight he was finally able to get off his shoulders. He had decided to tell Tasha about his feelings. He had almost lost her and that made him understand how fragile life was. He didn’t want to spend his life running away from his feelings. He was going to tell her, because now he knew what he wanted: he wanted to spend his life happily, with Tasha by his side. He had made his decision and it felt good. It felt right.

 

He was lost deep in his own thoughts when he suddenly felt Tasha move. At first he thought he had just imagined it but then she moved again. She turned her head and slowly opened her eyes. At first all he saw was tired confusion but soon it turned into panic when she felt the tube down her throat. Her eyes were screaming for help as she tried to get the tube out. The monitors started beeping and almost immediately two nurses came in and tried to calm her down so that they could get the tube out. Reade was told to wait in the corridor as the nurses were joined by a doctor and they stared doing their checkup on Tasha. After about ten minutes they came out and told him she was weak and tired but everything was fine. They said he could go back in as long as he promised not to cause her any stress.

 

He slowly entered the room again, making sure not to scare her. A weak smile spread across her face when she saw him.

 

“Hey” she whispered. Her voice was husky and Reade could barely hear her.

 

“Hey. How are you feeling?” he smiled and walked back towards the bed.

 

“Like crap” she replied and tried to laugh, which turned out to be a bad idea. She closed her eyes in pain when she felt the wound on her side.

 

Reade rushed back to the bed and put his hand on Tasha’s and with the other hand he started stroking her hair until she opened her eyes again.

 

“Try to take it easy, okay?” he said and squeezed her hand gently.

 

“What happened?” Tasha wanted to know. “I can’t remember anything”

 

The smile on Reade’s face faded a little as he answered:

 

“You got shot”

 

“Mmmh… that explains this crappy feeling” she joked. Then she seemed to remember something. “Did we get them? Were we able to bring down the cartel and the gang?”

 

Her question made Reade realize he had no idea. He had been so worried about Tasha that he had completely forgotten about the operation. Before he could answer he heard a familiar voice behind him:

 

“It looks that way.” Reade turned around and saw Weller standing in the doorway with the rest on the team and with a huge bouquet of flowers. They came in and Weller continued “You girls did good job. We were able to find enough evidence in the harbor and in the boat to connect all the dots. They are all in custody waiting for their trial. But we shouldn’t discuss work now. I only told you that because I knew you wouldn’t let it go if I didn’t” and he smirked.

 

“But how did he know I was FBI? What did I do wrong?”

 

“You didn’t do anything wrong. He had a built-in bug detector in his car. He got it installed about a week ago so every time you stepped into his car you got swept. It wasn’t your fault, there was no way you could have known.”

 

Tasha smiled a little and closed her eyes for a moment. She was glad it was all over. Then she opened her eyes again and looked at her team. She had missed them so much. They were her family, the only real family she had ever had and she was grateful for them. But now she felt tired and could barely keep her eyes open and suddenly she wished she could be alone with Reade again. She cared about all of them but Reade was the one who made her feel safe and comfortable. He was still holding her hand and it felt good.

 

They seemed to understand it was difficult for her to stay awake because they all came to pat her on the hand and told her to her to get better soon and moved towards the door. Even Reade got up to leave but turned back around when Tasha squeezed his hand instead of letting it go. The other team members exchanged looks, smiling, and left them alone in the room.


	6. Freinds Are Always There For Each Other

A week later Tasha was released from the hospital. The doctor ordered her a month of mandatory sick leave, after which she could go back to work as long as she stayed behind her desk for a while. She tried to protest but Weller stood his ground.

 

Reade took her home in his car and he couldn’t help but laugh at Tasha’s face. She was obviously happy to finally get out of the hospital but she wasn’t excited about the sick leave. Tasha punched his arm, half playfully, half irritated which made him laugh even harder.

 

He was on a good mood but he was also nervous. He had decided that today was gonna be the day. He was finally going to tell Tasha about his feelings.

 

***

 

Tasha looked at Reade and saw happiness on his face. His smile was so contagious she couldn’t help but join him. She was happy he was with her and she felt so lucky to have a friend like him.

 

They arrived at her apartment building and Reade, not caring about her objections, supported her as they made their way up to her apartment. He sat her on the couch and made sure she was comfortable and went back to the car to get her bag. She looked out the window and watched him take her bag and after locking the doors he headed back up.

 

Tasha leaned her head back so that she was staring at the ceiling. What had she done to deserve someone like him? She had never been able to hold on to a friendship this long before. She heard Reade enter her apartment again and smiled but didn’t turn to look. She listened as he took her bag into her bedroom and then walked to the kitchen area, apparently to get a glass of water. Then he came back to her living room and set the glass of water on the table next to Tasha. She finally looked at him again and said:

 

“Thank you, Reade. Thank you for being here for me.”

 

He came to sit down on the couch next to Tasha and took her hand in his and smiled.

 

“Always.”

 

Tasha leaned on his shoulder and Reade wrapped his arms around her. She felt safe in his arms, like nothing bad could get to her as long as she was with him. That was the only place in the world she could let herself be vulnerable. Then, suddenly she heard Reade whispering something in her ear. At first she thought she had misheard him but then he said it again, this time louder.

 

“I love you, Natasha Zapata.”

 

She froze. For a moment she couldn’t move. Then finally she sat up straight and looked at Reade. He looked worried but his eyes told her that he really meant what he had just said. She was in shock and didn’t know what to do, how to react. He had totally caught her off guard. There were a million things going on inside her head at the same time and she had never felt so conflicted about anything. Part of her wanted to run away but no matter how hard she tried to deny it, there was some part of her that wanted to lean forward and kiss him. She got up so that she would feel less tempted, still staring at Reade in the eyes. Reade was about to open his mouth to say something but Tasha didn’t want to hear it so she quickly said:

 

“I think you should leave now.”

 

Reade shut his mouth and looked up to Tasha with his now sad, puppy eyes. Tasha couldn’t bear to look into them anymore so she turned around and walked into her bedroom closing the door behind her.

 

After a while she heard Reade leave her apartment and lock the door behind him. She looked out of the window and saw him getting in his car and driving away with a shocked look on his face.

 

Tasha fell on the floor next to her bed and hugged herself tightly. What have I done, she thought, dark eyes full of tears. She had just destroyed the most important thing in her life: her relationship with Reade. And why? Because I’m a damn coward, that’s what I am, she thought. She hated herself for reacting the way she did. She had no idea how she could fix it. She heard Reade’s words in her head and though she tried to ignore it, she couldn’t deny the butterflies in her stomach. How did she manage to push away the person she loved more than anything else in this world? But that’s how I am, she thought bitterly. I push people away, I hurt them. Reade deserves so much better.

 

She sat there on the floor hugging herself for a long time until she fell asleep leaning her back against her bed. When she woke up she had no idea what time it was but it was dark outside. She still felt awful and her eyes were swollen from crying. Without bothering to check the time she crawled on her bed and fell asleep again.

 

***

 

When Reade got to his apartment he fell between the pillows on the couch. He felt awful about what had happened. Now he wanted nothing more than to go back in time to the moment when he was holding Tasha in his arms and this time he would choose to keep his mouth shut.

 

He buried his face into his palms and allowed himself to feel miserable: this was all his fault. He had been a fool to think that Tasha would love him. She had always seen him as a best friend, nothing more and now he had ruined everything they had. He didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t imagine a life without her anymore. He would do anything to make things go back the way they were before. There had to be a way to fix this.

 

 


	7. Let's Celebrate

A month later the day finally arrived. Tasha was exited to get back to work but she was also scared. She hadn’t seen Reade or talked with him since the day she got released from the hospital. She was anxious and didn’t know what to say to him.

 

She took the subway to work and was still thinking about what to say as she entered the locker room and nearly fell when she bumped into Reade. Reade caught her arm to stop her from falling and pulled her up.

 

“Um… Thanks” Tasha said avoiding eye contact. She felt terrible and guilty about what happened between them.

 

“You okay?” Reade asked concerned. Finally Tasha found enough courage to look into his warm eyes. She saw worry, caring and something else she couldn’t recognize.

 

“Yeah, I’m okay” she mumbled. The whole situation made her panic and she tried to escape it by heading to her locker, past Reade. However, he wasn’t ready to let it go. He gently grabbed her arm and turned her around to face him again.

 

“Look Tasha, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry about what happened. You are my best friend and I don’t wanna lose you like this” he said trying to catch her eyes. Tasha didn’t know what to say so she didn’t say anything but she didn’t try to escape his grip either. When she didn’t say anything, Reade continued:

 

“Please Tasha, try to understand my situation. I almost lost you. That day was the worst day in my entire life. When I saw you lying on the ground in a pool of blood…” he shook his head and left the sentence unfinished. “I felt desperate and when I found out you were gonna live I felt like life gave me another chance. But this was the wrong way, I see it now. I want things to go back the way they were before. Will you forgive me?”

 

His words made her stomach drop. She didn’t know why his words hurt her the way they did but at the same time she was glad they were both ready to clear the air between them. She felt a lump in her throat and she felt like she couldn’t form words so she nodded her head instead. That seemed to be enough for Reade because he spread his arms and pulled her into a hug.

 

***

 

The next few weeks Tasha spent behind her desk, as the doctor had ordered. Though she insisted that she was fine and all she needed was to be back in the field, Weller refused to listen and brought her another pile of files to go through.

 

Though Tasha and Reade had agreed they were okay, they hadn’t really spoken since their talk. They pretended they were okay but deep inside they both knew they weren’t.

 

One Friday, three weeks after coming back to work, Weller announced that next Monday he would let her back to the field again. She hadn’t felt that happy in a long time and she wanted to celebrate this happy day.

 

“Who’s down for drinks tonight?” she asked in the locker room where everybody was getting ready to leave.

 

“Sounds good to me” Reade said almost immediately. Tasha froze for a second but then let out a silent sigh of relief when Patterson said:

 

“I’m in! I’m just gonna have to take care of something first so you guys go ahead, I’ll meet you there.”

 

Weller and Jane were not coming so it was just the three of them. Tasha tried hard not to seem too nervous about the fact that she would have to be alone in the bar with Reade for a while.

 

***

 

Reade secretly studied Tasha as they walked towards the bar together. Her face looked calm but he could see tension in her shoulders and in the way she walked. Reade knew this was his chance to speak with her alone. He was hoping that maybe after a few beers she would open up too and they could settle this thing once and for all.

 

They got to the bar and ordered their drinks. They sat by a bar table sipping their drinks until Reade finally broke the silence.

 

“How have you been, Tasha? I feel like you’ve been avoiding me.”

 

Tasha looked at him with an amused face.

 

“Sorry, I must have been unable to see you from behind all the files I’ve been going through” she replied sarcastically. 

 

Reade couldn’t help but laugh at her sacasm and he felt the atmosphere lighten as they were finishing their drinks. Just as they ordered a second round, Tasha got a text from Patterson saying she was sorry but she couldn’t make it tonight after all. Reade was secretly happy about it because he felt like he was finally getting his Tasha back. Her laughter was music to his ears and that, together with the drinks they kept ordering, made him almost forget about the past few months. Being with her just felt so right. It felt like home and for the first time in his life he understood the saying “Home is not a place, it’s a feeling.”

 

Then, way too soon in Reade’s opinion, Tasha glanced at her watch and announced that they had been there for four hours and it was time to go home. The time had gone by really fast and he wasn’t ready to say goodbye quite yet.

 

“Jsst one mre drinkk…” Reade mumbled. Tasha looked at him and then at all the empty glasses on the table between them and said:

 

“Nope, no more alcohol to you.”

 

He got up from his seat to head towards the door but tripped and almost fell. Tasha, who was also drunk but still perfectly capable of walking, rushed to support her friend. She lifted his arm onto her shoulders so that he could lean on her as they left the bar. Reade didn’t live far away so Tasha decided to walk him home to make sure he got there safe.

 

Reade was happy Tasha was there. She was so close and he could feel her scent again… Suddenly he wanted to kiss her. Her presence caused butterflies to flutter wildly in his stomach and he felt stupid for backing down from what he had said. He _did_ love her, more than anything and he couldn’t take this anymore. He _knew_ she had to love him too… She had to.

 

Finally they arrived at his apartment door. Tasha turned to him, stepped closer and tucked her hand into his pocket to get the key. He couldn’t resist it anymore. He leaned forward and pressed his lips onto hers kissing her softly. At first she froze in surprise and looked Reade in the eyes as he pulled away slightly. Suddenly she grabbed his head between her hands, got up on her tip toes and pulled him into a passionate kiss.

 

There they were after everything that had happened. They both had been hiding their feelings, trying to push them away but it all had led to this moment when they both, with the help of alcohol, surrendered themselves to the lustful feeling. Without saying a word Tasha opened the apartment door, pulled Reade in and closed it again behind him.

 


	8. Look At The Mess We Made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ATTENTION! The beginning of this chapter contains detailed description of sexual intercourse. If you're not okay with it, skip the first four paragraphs!

They made their way from the door towards the bed leaving a trail of clothes behind them. Reade laid Tasha on the bed and got rid of the rest of his clothes before moving on to her panties, which were the only thing still covering her. He looked her in the eyes and slipped his fingers under the waistband and pulled off the last piece of fabric exposing her completely.

 

Then, after admiring the sight in front of him for a moment, he laid himself on top of her. Tasha felt his erection against her as he leaned down and the ache between her thighs worsened. His lips found hers and they shared a short but a passionate kiss before his lips moved on following her jawline towards her neck. Tasha felt a shiver of pure pleasure go through her whole body and let out a sharp breath when she finally felt Reade inside her. She closed her eyes and felt their bodies move together seamlessly. The alcohol in their veins made everything blurry and somehow even more pleasurable. Or maybe it just felt like it because neither of them was thinking clearly and at the moment they couldn’t care less about the consequences of their actions.

 

Tasha took in a sharp breath and her mouth opened to a silent scream when their bodies started moving faster and she had trouble catching her breath. She needed more control over everything and with one move she was sitting on top of him moving her hips rhythmically. Reade’s hands were exploring her perfect body finding every curve, admiring every defined muscle and he couldn’t get his eyes off of her. She was truly beautiful. She was like a dream come true to any man, especially for him.

 

She saw his gaze and smiled playfully and leaned down to press her lips against his. This was too much for him and their bodies worked together to help each other reach the climax at the same time. Tasha felt Reade’s body relax under her and she heard his breathing slowing down and normalizing and realized he had fallen asleep. She remained laying on top of him, still panting. Her mind was blurry but she was happy and satisfied. She climbed off of Reade and laid herself next to him and quickly fell asleep with a tired smile on her face.

 

***

 

Tasha opened her eyes and quickly realized it was a bad idea. The room was filled with light and it made her feel like someone was drilling holes to her temples. Dammit, she must have forgotten to close her curtains last night. She closed her eyes again and tried to place her hand on her eyes to protect them from the bright light but instead her hand hit something soft and warm. Confused, she opened her eyes again, this time slower. At first the light blinded her and she couldn’t make out anything of her surroundings. Little by little her eyes got used to the light and she realized she wasn’t in her own apartment. She could see the kitchen on the opposite side of the room and a couch in the middle of this open space. She recognized this apartment too well. Fear started to get hold of her and she was afraid to see what the soft and warm thing she had hit with her hand was. Slowly she glanced at the bed and right next to her there was Reade, still asleep and completely naked. Her eyes widened as she saw the stained sheets and the trail of clothes leading to the door and small fragments of last night started coming back to her.

 

She remembered leaving the bar and walking Reade home to make sure he didn’t pass out on the way. She remembered the taste of his mouth mixed with the taste of alcohol, the smell of his skin and the feel of his body pounding against hers. Tasha sat on Reade’s bed frozen by fear. That fear wasn’t there last night when… No, she refused to think about it. Anyway, it was there now and she didn’t know what to do. She had never experienced fear like this before. Sure, she had feared for her own and her team members’ lives more times than she could count but this was different. This fear was even more intense. Reade was her coworker and her best friend, for God’s sake. This was so wrong in so many levels.

 

Finally Tasha got hold of herself and quietly she got up and started picking up her clothes from the floor. She got dressed as quickly and as quietly as she could and after glancing at Reade one more time, she sneaked out of his apartment.

 

***

 

When Reade woke up he felt a wave of nausea roll over him and he had to run for it. He made it to the bathroom just in time to empty the contents of his stomach to the toilet. He washed his face and mouth with cold water which helped a little. He waited there for a while just in case he would need to throw up again, but he felt better now, except for the terrible headache that was pounding his head from the inside.

 

He slowly walked back to his bedroom but froze in the doorway. He had been in such a hurry to get to the bathroom he hadn’t noticed the mess that was his bed. The sheets were messy and full of stains he knew were bodily fluids. Though he tried, he couldn’t remember anything about the night before. The last thing he remembered was laughing in the bar with Tasha… His eyes widened and his stomach dropped as a bad feeling snuck its way to his mind. His feet felt heavy as he walked towards the bed and grabbed the pillow on the other side of the bed and smelled it. He closed his eyes when Tasha’s familiar smell started bringing back pictures from last night. He opened his eyes and stared at the pillow not knowing what to do.

 

This time he had really messed up and there was no going back. He felt like his heart fell through the floor. Just when he had fixed one mess he made, he jumped right into another one, head first. Only this time he had crossed the line: this was a mess he couldn’t fix.


	9. The Bomb

He had been right: this mess was a lot worse than the first one. Next Monday neither one of them could bring them self to even look at the other. Neither of them wanted to see the other one’s face and see their own guilt reflect from their eyes. It was very clear both of them deeply regretted that night.

 

This went on for several weeks. They worked in the field together as effectively as ever but avoided each other as much as they could. Everybody could see that something was wrong with the two of them but nobody said anything. It was partially because they still got their job done without complaining about having to work together but also because nobody knew how to approach them with the question. And to be honest, they weren’t even sure they wanted to know, since the situation was clearly bad.

 

Tasha was getting frustrated. She had no idea what to do. All she knew was that she couldn’t keep going on like this. The situation hadn’t developed at all in over a month and she couldn’t take it anymore. She was always exhausted but still she couldn’t sleep. She just tossed and turned every night, sometimes sweating, sometimes freezing. And as if that wasn’t enough, her back was getting sore, probably from all the tossing anf turning. She had gone through something like this before, after her partner got shot while she was still working for the NYPD but without the soreness of her back.

 

Once again, she got up in the morning after a sleepless night, got ready and left for work. Just as she was walking through the front door of the FBI NYO with a huge coffee cup in her hand, she got a text from Patterson, telling her to meet them in her lab ASAP. She picked up her pace and navigated her way to the lab as usual. Jane and Weller were already there but she didn’t see Reade anywhere. They all looked a little upset.

 

“What’s going on?” she asked.

 

“You didn’t hear about the bomb that went off in Long Island?” Patterson asked. Tasha’s jaw dropped.

 

“What? No, I just woke up and got to work. When did this happen?” she asked.

 

“About three hours ago” Weller answered her question. “Does anyone know anything about Reade’s whereabouts?”

 

“I’m right here.” Tasha heard his voice from behind her as he entered the room. Her heart dropped as always when she heard his voice but despite everything, it still caused butterflies to flutter in her stomach. She felt sick thinking about the situation and tried to push it out of her mind.

 

“Oh good, you’re here” Patterson said and without wasting any more time she turned to her computers. “This is the reason I wanted you here so urgently.”

 

She clicked a few buttons and the screens that had been black for the whole time were turned on. One of them displayed a tattoo located somewhere on Jane’s body but that’s not what caught Tasha’s attention. One of the screens showed a muted news channel. They were reporting from the location where the bomb had gone off. There was a complete destruction: An apartment building had blown up and parts of it were lying on the ground and black smoke was rising from where the building had been standing. And there were bodies everywhere on the ground. She saw somebody carrying a tiny little bundle in an oversized body bag and suddenly she felt a wave of nausea hitting her. Without saying a word she covered her mouth with one hand and ran out of Patterson’s lab towards the bathroom.

 

Patterson had stopped talking and they all seemed to have frozen in surprise. They knew that Tasha had seen lots of horrible things during her career, some of them a lot worse than this but this was the very first time her stomach couldn’t handle it. Patterson glanced at the team briefly and went after her friend.

 

When she got to the toilet she found Tasha on her knees, her head in the toilet.

 

“Are you okay, Tasha?” she asked worriedly. In response she heard Tasha throw up again.

 

When she was done, she stayed hovering over the toilet seat for a while before coming out from the cubicle to wash her face. Her face was pale and she didn’t look like she was okay at all. She washed her face and mouth with water and started to feel a little better. She leaned to the sink and took a deep breath before saying:

 

“I’m fine. I think my body is just reacting to stress, that’s all. I haven’t really been able to sleep lately either.” She saw Patterson looking at her suspiciously.

 

“Really, I’m fine. I’m feeling a lot better already” she assured her.

 

“As your friend I recommend you take the rest of the day off. Go home and get some rest. And maybe you should also go see a doctor” Patterson said with a hint of pity in her voice.

 

“I can’t go home now! Not today, you need me here” she insisted and when she saw that the blonde was about to protest, she added “But I promise I’ll go home if I start feeling sick again.”

 

The blonde seemed to settle for that and she opened the door for Tasha as they were about to leave the bathroom. Then suddenly it happened again. Tasha turned on her heels and ran back to the nearest cubicle. When she finally got out again she was angry at herself. Patterson had come back in and was watching her closely.

 

“Okay, fine. I’ll go home. But I need you to call me if anything happens, okay?” she said when she saw Patterson worried face.

 

“Okay, I’ll call you” Patterson said but Tasha could see she had no intention on calling her under any circumstances.

 

“No, really I need you to promise me you’ll call me” Tasha said eyes pleading.

 

“Fine. I promise I will call you if something happens.”

 

This time Tasha believed her.

 

Tasha didn’t want to go back to the lab and face her team. She didn’t want to see their faces full of worry and pity. She decided to let Patterson tell them she was going home and walked straight to the locker room, still fighting against nausea, and left the building. She decided to walk part of the way home; she thought maybe fresh air would help her nausea. She walked along the streets of Manhattan towards the Brooklyn Bridge, past cafés, past shops, past… a pharmacy.

 

She stopped walking and stood on the sidewalk, completely petrified, not caring about the angry looks she got from the strangers trying to get past her. She started counting days in her head. No, it was not possible. She had missed her periods, but it wasn’t unheard of. It happened to her a lot due to her stressful job so it didn’t mean anything yet. Then there was the nausea. And the exhaustion. And the sore back…

 

She got herself together and stepped into the pharmacy. She searched the shelves until she found what she was looking for: a pregnancy test. With shaking hands she took the package and went to the checkout. The cashier smiled at her reassuringly and for some reason Tasha felt like punching her. As she left the pharmacy she wasn’t sure her legs could support her much longer so she waved herself a taxi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately I won't be posting a new chapter tomorrow, so you're gonna have to wait one day longer to see what happens next. I hope you've been enjoying the story so far :)


	10. Relief

When Tasha got home she was more nervous than she had ever been before in her entire life. She felt like she was walking through a fog as she climbed up to her apartment and headed to the bathroom. She had never done this before and she was so nervous she was afraid she might pass out. With trembling hands she opened the package and started reading the instructions. In the middle of reading she felt the need to throw up again so she practically dove into the toilet, head first. When she was done, she finished reading the instructions and sat on the toilet seat and did as the instructions told her to do. According to the instructions, she should wait ten minutes before the test was ready so she left the stick she had just peed on next to the sink and walked out of the bathroom.

 

She went to the kitchen to get herself a glass of cold water. Then she tried to remember what other pregnancy symptoms she knew. She remembered cravings, but she didn’t have them. Then she remembered pregnancy might cause changes in breasts so she walked in front of the mirror in her bedroom. She took her shirt off and looked at herself in the mirror. She didn’t want to believe it but it indeed looked like she needed a slightly bigger bra. She touched her breasts softly and noticed that they were a little tender. Why hadn’t she noticed this before? Or maybe she had but she had subconsciously pushed it out of her mind. Maybe she had known for the whole time…

 

She glanced at her watch and felt a shiver go down her spine. It was time.

 

She slowly walked into the bath room, took a deep breath, already knowing what the test would say. She sat on the toilet seat and took the test in her hand. She closed her eyes for a few more seconds before looking at the stick in her hand. Two pink lines. She knew what that meant.

 

She sat there staring at the pink lines and once again she had no idea what she should do. She wanted to cry but tears wouldn’t come. Her mind was racing at the speed of light and she felt like she was paralyzed. She wasn’t ready for this. She was in shock. She felt so many things at once: She was angry at herself for letting this happen. She was confused and scared and for the first time in her life she wished she had a mother she could call. For a moment she considered calling her grandmother, but quickly realized it wasn’t a good idea. She knew her grandma would be more than happy and she couldn’t take it right now.

 

Her train of thought seemed to always come back to the same two questions: What do I do now? How will I tell Reade about this? She felt trapped. She felt like terminating the pregnancy wasn’t an option for her. She wasn’t overly religious but she was raised by catholic grandparents and that had left its marks in her. But she wasn’t ready to be a… mother. Her heart sank at the thought of it. How could she be a good mother? The purpose of her life was her work, it had always been clear to her. She had never even thought about having kids because she was an FBI agent, and very committed to her job. She didn’t even know what a good mother was like. Her mother was a drunk who cared more about her liquor than her children so Tasha and her brother had to raise themselves until their grandparents finally took them to their care.

 

She looked down at her still-flat stomach and realized she had automatically placed her hand on it. She got up and straightened her sore back and looked at herself in the bathroom mirror. However, aside from the swollen breasts, she looked the same as always. She couldn’t help but to think about the biology books she had been forced to read at school and she remembered the pictures of small fetuses at different phases of pregnancy.  The thought of someone growing inside her made her insides turn upside down.

 

After what felt like hours her thoughts were interrupted by her ringtone. She tossed the pregnancy test to the trash can and rushed to get her phone. Her heart sank when she saw the caller ID.

 

“Patterson, what’s wrong?” she answered the phone. The tone of Patterson’s voice sent chills down her spine.

 

“They went in to the building that is supposedly the next target to find the bomb and the bombers and now we lost contact with them and nobody can get into the building” Patterson let it all out in one sentence, speaking quickly as if it was easier that way. She wasn’t crying but Tasha could hear it in her voice that she was fighting back tears.

 

Tasha couldn’t keep herself together anymore. She had had enough shocks for one day and she wasn’t sure if she could handle it anymore. She was surprised to find herself thinking that this kind of stress wasn’t good for the fetus.

 

“I’m on my way” she said and ended the call before Patterson could protest.

 

She quickly put her shirt back on, grabbed her jacked and keys and ran out to the street to catch a taxi.

 

She had to get off a few blocks away from the site of action because the street was blocked. She started running towards the NYPD officers who were standing by the roadblock, making sure civilians didn’t get past it. She showed them her badge and they let her pass. She asked if anything had happened since they lost contact with the people inside but they didn’t seem to know.

 

Tasha started running towards the police and S.W.A.T cars. She was sick of worry, literally. She closed her eyes and tried to push it out of her mind as she approached a group of men she figured were in charge.

 

“Has anything happened since we lost contact?” she asked without bothering to introduce herself.

 

“And who are you, ma’am?” asked one of the men. Tasha could see them measuring her with their eyes. She was used to it, because she was a woman and way shorter than the average and in this line of work she always needed to prove herself before men took her seriously. She took out her badge impatiently and said:

 

“Special agent Natasha Zapata, FBI.” After this they looked at her very differently and she felt like she had just grown to their height.

 

“No news yet” one of them said.

 

Tasha turned to look at the building. It was an apartment building, just like the one that had got blown up earlier in the morning. She looked at her watch and it told her it was 11:57 AM. Three minutes until the bomb would go off. Two minutes…

 

Everybody was silent, they were all waiting for something to happen.

 

One minute.

 

Now Tasha couldn’t take it anymore. She ran to a small alley between two buildings and for the fourth time that day she let out whatever little she had in her stomach, this time on the ground. She looked at her watch again. It was 12:00 PM. She was expecting to hear an explosion but nothing happened. Then suddenly she heard clapping and cheering and heart started beating faster. She rushed back to see what was going on and what she saw made her heard skip a few beats: She saw Weller walking out through the front door of the building, Jane right behind him.

 

Then she saw him. Reade walked out and squinted his eyes in the bright sunlight. Tasha didn’t stop to think. She ran past the police cars, not caring about the people watching her. She ran to Reade and wrapped her arms around his neck and held him tight. For a second he just stood there, confused, but quickly recovered from the surprise and took her into his arms and lifted her up so that her feet didn’t touch the ground.

 

They hugged each other tight. It felt so good to hold him again and she felt like she never wanted to let go.

 

 


	11. I Know What I Want

They were back at the office where they had received a huge applause. Patterson had rushed to hug all of them, even Tasha though she hadn’t even been in the building.

 

Tasha was still holding onto Reade’s hand, refusing to let go even for a minute. She saw the others grinning and throwing glances at them but she didn’t care. She needed to feel him close to her.

 

She listened as Weller told what happened after they went in with the S.W.A.T team. He told how they found the bombers and the bomb in the basement and how they had jammers, so that no signal could get in or out of the building. That’s why they lost contact. They took the bombers down, which was risky because they had to be careful not to hit the bomb and also make sure nobody could set it off early. Then the S.W.A.T bomb team had disarmed the bomb just in time and the day was saved. He grinned and they all smiled widely.

 

It was only 2:30 PM but it felt like the day had been incredibly long and Tasha was exhausted. Obviously, it was partially caused by her condition but also because so much had happened today. She had got send home from work because of nausea, learnt that she was pregnant and then she had nearly lost most of her team, including the most important person in her life: Reade. That was way too much for one day and she was happy when Weller told them to take the rest of the day off.

 

She probably looked as tired as she felt because Reade immediately offered to take her home.

 

They were quiet during the ride to her apartment. They were still holding hands but didn’t say a word. Tasha was getting nervous. She had unconsciously placed her free hand on her stomach again as she was trying to think of ways to tell him.

 

***

 

Reade looked at Tasha while they drove towards her apartment. He could tell that something was bothering her but he figured it was probably just because the day had been long and tiring. Besides, she had felt sick in the morning so maybe she still wasn’t completely recovered.

 

He pulled over in front of her apartment but Tasha didn’t move. He didn’t want to push her and to be honest, he didn’t want to let her go. Finally she asked:

 

“Would you like a drink?”

 

He didn’t have to think long before answering “It actually sounds really good right now. Do you happen to have something to eat, too?”

 

She smiled a little and nodded. They finally let go of each other, got out of the car and went up to her apartment. Reade sat by the kitchen table and watched Tasha warm up some leftovers for them. He was starving and they ate their late lunch in silence. When they were finished Tasha got up, took the plates to the sink and grabbed a bottle of whiskey and one glass from the cupboard. She poured some alcohol into the glass and quickly handed it to Reade, because the smell made her feel sick again.

 

“Aren’t you gonna have a drink?” Reade asked as he took as sip of his whiskey.

 

Tasha shook her head and bit her lip.

 

“I can’t” she said.

 

Reade looked at her, confused. She was squirming in her chair and she looked like there was something she wanted to say. When she finally spoke, Reade felt like her words made the whole world stop spinning for a moment.

 

“I’m pregnant. It's for sure yours.”

 

Reade’s mind went completely blank and he stared at Tasha in disbelief. Then his gaze automatically moved from her big, dark eyes to her hand resting on her stomach, then back to her eyes again. Suddenly he realized his jaw had dropped and he closed it quickly.

 

“How- How far along are you? When did you find out?” he managed to ask.

 

“About six weeks, if I’m correct. I did the test today” she replied quietly.

 

Six weeks. Reade had to turn away for a moment as all the information was finally sinking in. When he turned back to face Tasha, he was shocked to see her crying. He hadn’t meant to make her cry. Suddenly he knew exactly what he wanted and what he was going to do.

 

He got up and took one step closer so that he was standing right in front of her. He took her head between his hands and gently turned her head upwards so that she was looking at him in the eyes. With his thumbs he wiped the tears off of her cheeks and slowly leaned in to kiss her. Then he pulled away a little but didn’t let go of her.

 

“I _love_ you” he said. “I always thought I could never love anyone as much as I love you.” Then he kneeled down so that his face was on the same level with her stomach and pressed a kiss on it. “Now I know I was wrong.”

 

He looked up to Tasha and saw that she was furiously trying to blink away tears. But this time she wasn’t crying because she was sad or afraid. He saw a smile spread across her face as she gave up fighting against the tears. He was stunned by her beauty. He looked into her warm, dark eyes and saw everything he wanted and at that moment he knew what his dream had meant: he was now ready to choose her. He felt his heart racing faster and faster as she leaned down to kiss him. He slipped one arm behind her knees and the other one behind her back and lifted her up causing her to laugh through their kiss.

 

They both knew now that they were going to be okay. For the first time in a long, long time the future looked bright. They were going to spend the rest of their lives together. As a family.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading my first story as much as I enjoyed writing it. Now there is only one thing left to say:
> 
> The End. 
> 
> For now ;)


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